TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed within the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable drinking water. But Sure, sure, let's have Yet another position in which American Gentlemen can wear robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: provide Every person a collection to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination pointed out, "It is not that Trump Trump Tower Damascus shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It is really that he ought to cease employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the undertaking, replied, "You already know, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping varieties a large Trump head seen from Room, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It really is not simply unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may perhaps contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, total with climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising System: "If You Bomb It, They may Appear"


The ad campaign, a short while ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "exactly where's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is previously attracting focus from Worldwide buyers, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll purchase a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage may even include things like:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to determine a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort wherever my PTSD may have switch-down company."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Thoughts from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You are welcome."

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